Purpose: To talk about what old broards talk about.
Thursday, September 4
Help
Ok, all of you wonderful wise women, please read my recent post on my personal blog and give me your insights, suggestions, advice. I'm a basket case and need your help :(
words from me,spidey, married for 30 years to the same man. it can't always be about you. he sounds busy. if you want it to be all about you, all the time, you are going to be unhappy. it sounds like he is making an effort by making time on sunday. are you happy when you are together? my hubby was a busy man too and he worked ALOT. i learned to accept that and to enjoy the moments we could be together. have a talk with him and tell him not to make any promises that he won't be able to keep. stuff comes up. i wouldn't blow him off because of this. if it continues and he is busy all the time, then it is time to rethink the relationship. and believe me,after 30 years, you are happy when they are busy. alone time is great. ;)
I hope I don't sound like a manipulator, but my advice is back off just a little. I have observed over and over in my 52 years that clinging makes people want to avoid you. It's some kind of law of relationship physics. However hard you hold onto someone, they pull away to an equal degree. I tried to talk to Ian about this when he sensed his girlfriend was starting to get distant, but he just couldn't hear it at the time. Now he agrees that I was right.
I'm really, truly not advising you to be a mind-game player. I'm saying that relationships are happy when they are in balance. Find some fun stuff to do with your own time, and maybe YOU won't always be available when HE wants to get together. That will give you a feeling of a little more control of your half of the relationship, and that's a good thing.
Being older (than Verb anyway) and wiser and being called upon from time to time to give advise...
I have no idea. Both Spidey and Verb have good advise-you're the only one who knows if what's he's saying could be true and how much you're willing to put up with. If this same situation keeps happening, it MAY be time to rethink. On the other hand, Spidey's comment about time alone after 30 is very valid-Dennis went visiting this afternoon and it was nice to have time alone and it was so quiet I could actually hear myself think again.
Thanks for the advice ladies, and if anyone still wants to weigh in I'm open to all suggestions. I will take it all in, even though some of it is contradictory :) I guess I should let you all know that I am not quite as pathetic as I make myself out to be. He doesn't know how insane I am, or that I am an obsessive compulsive freak. I don't call all the time, or email every day or any of that. It's mostly internal, if you know what I mean. I drive myself nutty, not him. Oh, and my friends of course ;)
Speaking as a single + never-been-married woman of 35 yeas of age, who is very career driven, I can understand why your guy wants to make good on his work commitments this time.
I would think trying to combine or somehow join two adult lives with all their complexities would be very very difficult. And here I mean adult as in someone who has actually lived in the world on their own for a number of years and has become their own person, not a 22 year old adult.
I've lately been joking with my friends that if I were ever to marry, I wouldn't be able to live with my husband because I really like my own space and my own place.
Other than that, I don't really have any advice. It's been a hundred years since I've been on a date or been in a relationship of any worth, so all I can say is that I hope the best for you.
Thanks Jenny :) Although I've been married, I've now been single for twice as long as I was with my ex. It's definitely a challenge for me, trying to figure out how to mesh my life and experiences with someone else especially when we both have quite a bit of baggage. I do think he's a pretty good guy and I want to give it a chance. I'm trying to chill and take it a little easier, both on him and on my expectations.
Excellant points have been offered here: always give the other their due space, keep involved and enamored in your interests, move on when you aren't getting what you want. But call me old fashioned, I think the best relationships are those where at different points one party, and often both, is pursuing the other. And the longest lasting relationships are those where this bit of madness is able to continue year after year. But if it isn't there at the start, it seems unlikely to show at a later time.
16 comments:
words from me,spidey, married for 30 years to the same man.
it can't always be about you. he sounds busy. if you want it to be all about you, all the time, you are going to be unhappy. it sounds like he is making an effort by making time on sunday. are you happy when you are together? my hubby was a busy man too and he worked ALOT. i learned to accept that and to enjoy the moments we could be together. have a talk with him and tell him not to make any promises that he won't be able to keep. stuff comes up. i wouldn't blow him off because of this. if it continues and he is busy all the time, then it is time to rethink the relationship.
and believe me,after 30 years, you are happy when they are busy. alone time is great. ;)
I hope I don't sound like a manipulator, but my advice is back off just a little. I have observed over and over in my 52 years that clinging makes people want to avoid you. It's some kind of law of relationship physics. However hard you hold onto someone, they pull away to an equal degree. I tried to talk to Ian about this when he sensed his girlfriend was starting to get distant, but he just couldn't hear it at the time. Now he agrees that I was right.
I'm really, truly not advising you to be a mind-game player. I'm saying that relationships are happy when they are in balance. Find some fun stuff to do with your own time, and maybe YOU won't always be available when HE wants to get together. That will give you a feeling of a little more control of your half of the relationship, and that's a good thing.
However, I am only 51. I guess I was trying to make myself sound wiser. :D
i agree with verb. being a bit aloof keeps people interested. it is a law of nature it seems.
Being older (than Verb anyway) and wiser and being called upon from time to time to give advise...
I have no idea. Both Spidey and Verb have good advise-you're the only one who knows if what's he's saying could be true and how much you're willing to put up with. If this same situation keeps happening, it MAY be time to rethink. On the other hand, Spidey's comment about time alone after 30 is very valid-Dennis went visiting this afternoon and it was nice to have time alone and it was so quiet I could actually hear myself think again.
Anyway, I'm hoping for only the best for you.
Beann, as hard as it sounds, I'd say to find someone else....someone who will be around and make time for you.
Life's short. . . why wait around for a guy. You obviously need more time than he is either willing or able for you to give
well there you go. we all have great advice and now you are right back where you started.
Thanks for the advice ladies, and if anyone still wants to weigh in I'm open to all suggestions. I will take it all in, even though some of it is contradictory :)
I guess I should let you all know that I am not quite as pathetic as I make myself out to be. He doesn't know how insane I am, or that I am an obsessive compulsive freak. I don't call all the time, or email every day or any of that. It's mostly internal, if you know what I mean. I drive myself nutty, not him. Oh, and my friends of course ;)
Id go with verb and spidey . but then Im kinky like that
So does this mean we're going together?
I think so, where are we going?
Mavis and Verb, sitting in a tree... :)
I live like a nun these days
Speaking as a single + never-been-married woman of 35 yeas of age, who is very career driven, I can understand why your guy wants to make good on his work commitments this time.
I would think trying to combine or somehow join two adult lives with all their complexities would be very very difficult. And here I mean adult as in someone who has actually lived in the world on their own for a number of years and has become their own person, not a 22 year old adult.
I've lately been joking with my friends that if I were ever to marry, I wouldn't be able to live with my husband because I really like my own space and my own place.
Other than that, I don't really have any advice. It's been a hundred years since I've been on a date or been in a relationship of any worth, so all I can say is that I hope the best for you.
Thanks Jenny :)
Although I've been married, I've now been single for twice as long as I was with my ex. It's definitely a challenge for me, trying to figure out how to mesh my life and experiences with someone else especially when we both have quite a bit of baggage. I do think he's a pretty good guy and I want to give it a chance. I'm trying to chill and take it a little easier, both on him and on my expectations.
Excellant points have been offered here: always give the other their due space, keep involved and enamored in your interests, move on when you aren't getting what you want. But call me old fashioned, I think the best relationships are those where at different points one party, and often both, is pursuing the other. And the longest lasting relationships are those where this bit of madness is able to continue year after year. But if it isn't there at the start, it seems unlikely to show at a later time.
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